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Celia Rivenbark

Rude Bitches Make Me Tired

Celia Rivenbark Rude Bitches Make Me Tired Slightly Profane And Entirely Logical Answers To
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Biographical note:

CELIA RIVENBARK is the author of You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl; Belle Weather; Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like A Skank; We're Just Like You, Only Prettier; Bless Your Heart, Tramp; and You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start In The Morning. She lives in Wilmington, North Carolina.

Excerpt from book:

chapter 1

 

Check-Splitting: Who Had the Gorgonzola Crumbles, and Should We Really Care?
My friend Gray and I have often chuckled at the memory of how our mothers and grandmothers would agonize over splitting the check following the conclusion of a ladies’ lunch on the town. Finally, at some point, one of the ladies would say to one member of the group, “Since you drove, we’ll pay the tip.”
Gray and I have been friends for three decades, ever since we met on the job at a daily newspaper where she was a photographer and I wrote feature stories about mules being born and the like. It’s amazing that we were able to get jobs even though we were clearly very young children thirty years ago. Practically embryos. Anywho, it goes without saying that we have eaten many, many meals together in all kinds of restaurants and with all kinds of people over the years.
Because this is such a treasured bond between us, as soon as the check comes, one of us will chuckle and say to the other: “Since you drove…”
Maybe you have to be there.
The point is, we know that dividing the check at the restaurant can bring out all sorts of unintentionally rude behavior. At the heart of this sort of accidental etiquette breach is that it is ever so tacky to ever discuss money in public. It just is.
And while offering to pay the tip because gas was purchased by one of the members of the party is, on the face of it, a nice gesture, it only serves to muddy the waters.
How far must we carry this? As I write this, gas is about $3.44 a gallon in my hometown. If I take two friends to lunch downtown on our lovely riverfront, I’ve used no more than $1.10 in gas to pick them up.
This is less than the cost of a glass of sweet tea these days, so really, must we make it an issue? Should I point out that, because I drove, the rest of the lunch party owes me about one-fourth of the Caribbean Fudge Pie that I am, too, ordering even though my ass is spilling over either side of my chair.
No.
But still, in some quarters, you will hear all sorts of reasons why someone should pay a smaller percentage (or a higher one!) of the check when it arrives.
This is something that makes the server crazy. Hasn’t she already been sufficiently inconvenienced by your insistence that the check be split six ways and that approximately one and a half of you are going in together to pay for the seventh woman’s bill because it’s her birthday?
Where are my smelling salts?
Question: We go out to dinner about once a month on a Saturday night with two couples who live in our cul-de-sac. We really like everything about these couples except for the fact that they drink very expensive wines with dinner and my husband and I are teetotalers. When the bill arrives, you guessed it, they always split it three ways even though we just ordered chicken cutlets and water!
Okay, you guessed it: I don’t need my smelling salts anymore; I need a very dry Grey Goose martini as big as my head. Ahh. There. Much better. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. You and your lushy fun friends sticking you with the wine bill …
First of all, let the record show that your couple-friends are assholes. Just because you share a driveway with someone doesn’t mean that they should be your dinner companions. And, not to put too fine a point on this, but you and your husband sound like you’d be happier with your own kind

Praise for You Don’t Sweat Much for a Fat Girl

 

"[Rivenbark]'s as rebellious, irreverent, and comical as ever." —Publishers Weekly 

 

"...a rip-roaring read.... What makes Rivenbark’s writing so entertaining is that it’s a lot like seeing a stand-up comedy act: she does an uncanny job of keeping the flow of comedy fresh." —Book Reporter 

 

“Opening a book by Celia is like going to a great party—at the end of the night, your sides hurt, your mascara’s ruined, and you realize you haven’t eaten anything for almost an hour.  She’s that good.  My biggest hope is that when I find myself riding the bus to hell, I’ll look over and Celia will be sitting right next to me.” —Laurie Notaro, author of The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club

 

Praise for You Can’t Drink All Day If You Don’t Start In The Morning

 

“Whether readers are from the south side of Baw-ston or living just south of the Mississippi, Rivenbark’s genuine Southern recipes and true Southern charm are sure to appeal to everyone.” —Encore Archives

 

“…many of her descriptions are not only LOL funny, they also demand reading aloud to whomever happens to be nearby.” —Myrtle Beach Sun-News

“Rivenbark is more than funny.  She’s Carolina funny.” —The Charlotte Observer

 

Praise for Belle Weather

 

"Readers will laugh out loud over her commentary on status mothers and all the odd obsessions of modern life..." —Booklist

 

"Think Dave Barry with a female point of view..." —USA Today

 

Praise for Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank

 

“This is a hilarious read, perhaps best enjoyed while eating Krispy Kreme doughnuts with a few girlfriends.” —Publishers Weekly

 

“She kills in the “Kids” and “Southern-Style Silliness” sections, putting the fear of Mickey into anyone planning a trip to Disney World (character breakfasts must be scheduled 90 days in advance) and extolling the entertainment value of obituaries (“If there’s a nickname in quotes, say Red Eye, Tip Top, or simply, Zeke, then my entire day is made”)” —Entertainment Weekly

 

Praise for We’re Just Like You, Only Prettier

 

"Will give you a case of the giggles." —NY Daily News

"Warm, witty, and wise, rather like reading dispatches from a friend who uses e-mail and still writes letters, in ink, on good paper." St. Petersburg Times

Praise for Bless Your Heart, Tramp

"Bright, witty and warm…stories that make a desperate gift-giver weep glad tears of relief…a pleasing blend of spice, humor and memories." —St. Petersburg Times

 

"Celia Rivenbark has the goods and then some. She makes you laugh out loud dozens of times. Anyone who has the moxie to toss off a piece titled 'Fake Dog Testicles' will tread into the wildest stretches of comedic terrain...” —The State ( Columbia , S.C. )

 

 


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