Gigi Levangie Grazer is the bestselling author of five previous novels, including The After Wife and The New York Times bestseller The Starter Wife, which was adapted for USA Network. She is the author of the screenplay for Stepmom, which starred Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon, and has written for Vogue, Harper’s Bazaar, Glamour, and other publications. She lives in Los Angeles with her two children and one miniature dachshund.
Excerpt from book:
**This excerpt is from an advance uncorrected proof.**
Anyway, Daddy Blogsnot (Irving, to you and me) told Porscha that he could not and would not kidnap a Judas Brother. He tried it once, several years ago, and almost lost a thumb. “It’s just not as easy as all that, honey,” he told Porscha. “They have huge bodyguards!”
(Note to Admissions Committee: I, Perry Gonzales, am not much of an artist, but I will include a drawing of the Judas Brothers’ Samoan bodyguards.)
Shelley Blogsnot told me she wouldn’t talk to Irving for a whole week because he broke Porscha’s little heart; he let a few burly bodyguards, who carry sharp objects and are black belts in tae kwon do, stand in the way of their daughter’s happiness!
Porscha finally relented on her one true wish. This is what Porscha Crisp Blogsnot then decided she wanted for her birthday:
New Lhasa apso
No more little brother (can’t remember his name!) Eyebrow and nasal surgery to look exactly like Aspen Judas!
And, most importantly: the Judas Brothers to play a concert in my very own backyard!!!
Shelley and Porscha presented this new, very fair request to Irving. Who blanched (blanching is when someone turns pale, like at the thought of bungee-jumping off Mount Everest or getting the Judas Brothers to play a concert in your backyard). They insisted I be present as a legal witness. Frankly, you couldn’t pry me from this scene with a crowbar.
“Darling, sweetheart,” he pleaded to Porscha, “the apple of Daddy’s eye! Do you know how much a Judas Brothers concert would cost Papa?”
Porscha burst into tears. “Does this mean you won’t be getting me my concert?” she cried.
“Irving!” Shelley said. “Look at our daughter—she’s getting wrinkled from the crying. It’s disgusting—how could you?!”
“How could you, Daddy!” Porscha yelled. Her new hot pink Lhasa apso, Jo Jo, shuddered.
“Mom, Dad, what’s going on?” L.V. asked, having wandered into Irving Blogsnot’s mahogany and gold– trimmed office with giant palm trees in each corner.
“My God, L.V.!” Irving yelled. “Can’t you see your sister is upset? How can you be so insensitive as to interrupt us?”
L.V.’s big eight-year-old eyes got even bigger. He blew his nose in his Mark Frost Academy (sponsored by Wild Pockets Banking, Ltd.) jacket sleeve. He wondered if he should tell his mom and dad—or Shelley and Irving, as they preferred to be called—about the straight A’s he got on his report card. He wondered if he should tell them that his teacher said he was the smartest boy she’d ever had in second grade—he was reading at a ninth grade level and he was already doing mathematical algorithms.
“L.V.,” Shelley said, “I know you don’t mean to be cruel to your sister, but remember we went to the therapist about this? Remember what the therapist said?&rdquo
"A sinfully delicious romp through the dazzling devil's playground that is Beverly Hills. Sassy, witty and full of heart, Seven Deadlies is Gigi Levangie at her wicked and hilarious best."
—Maria Semple, author of Where’d You Go, Bernadette
“Seven Deadlies is a fable for our time. Smart, funny, twisted, and surprising, a terrific must read for anyone who has ever wondered what happens behind the gates of Beverly Hills McMansions and if the spoiled and rotten children who live in them ever get their comeuppance. The answer is a resounding and satisfying YES!”
—Melissa de la Cruz, author of the Au Pairs and Blue Bloods series